The Master Chief Cometh

September 26, 2007

After the global success of my ramblings in the inaugural Nate Shopay FloTrack article, Iâ€™ve decided to use my newly found power to take on a difficult and touchy subject.

As of yesterday, millions of American men (and a rare few women) are again suffering from an affliction that last reared its ugly head November 9th 2004.

Marked by lack of sleep, blistered thumbs, and a myriad of irrational grievances, the disease commonly referred to as EPOH (Excessive Playing of Halo) is mainly found in young men in the process of gaining an education. Common phrases heard from sufferers of EPOH are â€œThatâ€™s not fairâ€ and â€œHeâ€™s cheating!â€ Currently the only cure is time.

For men who are in the work force, the affliction is referred to as AUSPHT, pronounced (Awe-$**t) The P is silent. It stands for Adults Unable to Stop Playing Haloâ€¦ Temporarily. Itâ€™s considered an advanced case even though it tends to be short term thanks to its unacceptability in social circles. This also has no cure although a disapproving wife has been found in certain cases to shorten the length of the sickness.

Now many of you are already thinking, â€œNate, I am thankful you have shed some light on this problem, but how does it apply to running?" Iâ€™m glad you asked.

Efficient time management is something we all struggle with. Microsoftâ€™s blatant disrespect for cross-country should not be overlooked. Summer would have been a perfect release period, nothing to do, but the fall? Many runnersâ€™ seasons are already in jeopardy as you read this. Do not substitute your mileage in order to meet the stringent online gaming standards. If you have qualified for the U.S. Marathon, and you know who you are, do not conveniently start to taper tonight. There are other options.

By my rough calculations, you are going to need about 20 Halo hours in the week to be competitive. If you are not competitive small children will laugh at you, and this can translate to lack of confidence in other aspects of your life.

I still remember it as if it were yesterday, a young voice, no older than 8, came through my earpiece and offered me this distinct gem of advice. â€œYou suck.â€ From that day on, I swore an oath of commitment to at least memorize the levels so I could pretend to be good. It worked and I was able to function once again in society. Now that you see the importance, here are a few ways to gain extra time in the week without sacrificing your season and education:

1) Eat while playing (Gain bonus time by going intravenous)
Time Savings = 7 HPW
2) NO phone conversations, texting only (Family can catch up during holidays)
Time Savings = 5 HPW
3) Showers and general hygiene (A dirty man is a fast man)
Time Savings = 5 HPW
4) Adult diapers (Surprisingly comfortable)
Time Savings = 3 HPW

Total Hours Gained = 20 Hours

Coaches Beware!

If performance is down, you may have one or two runners who are suffering from this aliment. It is important you know how to recognize this. A few of the signs to look for in your athletes: they are in a hurry after practice to â€œhit the booksâ€ or get a little light reading in; suddenly have a large vocabulary of snappy one-liners; or prefer to be referred to as Master Chief or John-117. (Google it)

In response to the release of Halo 3, the NCAA made this announcement today. â€œIn order to protect our student athletes, there will be random Halo testing throughout the country. Anyone found with an active Xbox live account, temporary tattoos or 7-11 issued Halo 3 slurpee cups containing gamer fuel residue will be suspended indefinitely.â€

When did games get so complicated and dangerous to our lives! Can they just bring back Tecmo Bowl so I can run all day with Bo Jackson?

Damn you Xbox live Gold account with your 12 month + 1 free month of award winning online gaming and customer service for a low price of $49.99. Why canâ€™t I quit you?

I guess my point is this. Donâ€™t start playing until the season is done or there is nothing significant going on in your life. Had I never picked up a controller, I would speak 9 languages and have 3 PhDâ€™s today. i.e. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start. Wasted space.

Disclaimer: This article by no means endorses spending hours of your life playing Halo 3 or any of its predecessors. Nathan Shopay supports a healthy well-rounded lifestyle. Eat right, get outside, and buy a BB gun. Just donâ€™t shoot your eye out. But if you happen to shoot your eye out, you could then legally compete with an eye patch and how cool would that be! Especially if you were a good runner. People would be like â€œWho are we racing this week; I hope not that team with the pirate?â€

Ask a loved one if you may be suffering from EPOH or AUSPHT. Side affects include: Irritability, inability to focus and lack of human contact.

Less than 6 weeks and Counting for the Olympic Trials Marathon!

-Nate

p.s If you have no clue what Halo is, Check out this video

And Maybe read this, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halo_(video_game_series)

Post a Comment

#19	Colin Szehner August 24 at 12:19am Bring back nathan shopay! reply
#18	RunDistance September 30, 2007 at 5:27am ahaha, so true... the day after it came out our 6 and 7 runners mysteriously got "sick"... 2 weeks before districts. Very funny stuff! reply
#17	Joe Schultz September 28, 2007 at 12:53pm This article is so true. I hope everyone suffering from Halo syndrome sees this. reply
#16	Cara Hawkins September 27, 2007 at 11:01am You are Dave Berry in track shoes.. reply
#15	Mark September 26, 2007 at 6:54pm GONG!!!!!!!!!! reply
#14	Trey Hardee September 26, 2007 at 6:34pm oh and flo, everyone at the house except you, arnold, tomas, havard, and birt had a problem. it was clockwork... everyday, from the hours of 12pm till practice at 2 or 3, we played. i think every phrase nichol ever coined was drawn from halo 2. over-ephasizing "dummied" and "gong"!! reply
#13	Trey Hardee September 26, 2007 at 6:31pm bolt... you know you've had halo 3 on reserve for the past year and half and haven't stop playing it since it came out reply
#12	Anonymous September 26, 2007 at 6:29pm Extremely entertaining-your a budding Dave Barry in track shoes. I was around him for a few years-your on his level- keep it going. reply
#11	Jerry Stiller September 26, 2007 at 10:40am Funny football video reply
#10	John Rainbolt September 26, 2007 at 10:14am Yeah I had EPOH, but after my ninth stint in rehab, Flo - ah Flo, Flo was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober for eight months now. reply
#9	Anonymous Coward September 26, 2007 at 6:25am Don't! You will get killed in the first 5 secs and people will laugh... Then you practice when no one is around and yu get better but then you have no laugh and people will laugh. Either way you will get laughed at. Go out and run instead reply
#8	Steiner September 26, 2007 at 6:20am Never played...but now I am confused as to whether I should or not. reply
#7	TBux800 September 26, 2007 at 5:52am My name is thomas...and i have a problem reply
#6	Catherine Westenhover September 26, 2007 at 4:36am Lol, it's true. reply
#5	Anonymous Coward September 26, 2007 at 2:59am very funny reply
#4	Cara Hawkins September 26, 2007 at 2:09am That is why half my classes were missing this week... reply
#3	Mark September 25, 2007 at 9:26pm In college my whole team had EPOH. Right Zach and Bolt? reply
#2	Nathan Shopay September 25, 2007 at 9:21pm Dude.... 2 years back i wasnt a runner.. and i had a serious case of AUSPHT reply
#1	Colin Szehner September 25, 2007 at 8:42pm Hahaha.....this is freakin hilarious. reply