Refined damnation - A war with sugar.

September 16, 2008

As I understand it and because I may have made this up, for us long distance runners, each pound we are over our optimum weight, we are penalized 2 seconds per-mile when racing. If my calculations stand up to the scrutiny and you happen to be in the unfortunate position of being say 10 pounds over optimum weight, you would race 20 seconds per mile slower than your best. Multiply that by 6.2 miles and you have...well you do the math, I can't concentrate.

Speaking of weight, refined carbohydrates are after me. They are relentless in their pursuit. Everywhere I go, I am accosted by flour products gone wild, there is no escape from them. I spend my nights trying to avoid refined carbohydrate damnation by the dim stovetop light.

Forced to tip-toe into the kitchen, (because the family is sleeping), during unmerciful and slickly produced commercial breaks, which command me to drink Coke, eat white bread and Oreos; I search for something healthy. By the time the first commercial is half finished, panicking, I give up the healthy food search and look for something in the newly adjusted category of 'not completely unhealthy'. Further into the cupboard I climb; my standards dropping, the deeper I go. Picture in your mind the historic movie Trainspotting and the legendary toilet dive, only I am slithering through dustbunnies.

I settle for the least unhealthy choice of what remains, potato chips prepared free of hydrogenated oil. On the packaging it states the following fine print: may have come in contact with human feces, during processing.

The problem with wholesome foods is in the packaging.

Bananas are a healthy choice, but they start to die the moment you pay for them. They come equipped with built in timers inserted by the Banana Republic Mafia (ironic I know). Apples don't pack well as they bruise too easily. Peeled carrots are handy except, if they get warm, they become slimy like slippery aerodynamic bars of soap - very dangerous projectiles.

I always felt that foods which contain the primary ingredient refined carbohydrates, mixed and packed with hydrogenated oil is the way to go, as I have no time to spare for preparation and I am game to play roulette with my health. However, recently I have experimented too much and now, sitting here watching the Olympics, I am starting to look the part of a bull in the comic The Farside.

Moo.

Refined carbohydrate dealing is the forgotten drug trade.

There are white sugar racketeers. They are sweet-toothed, money-hungry, power tie wearing entrepreneurs, who are one molecule shy of being players in the heroin market (or one genome) and not to mention having sloped foreheads. I bet my money and my sugar that there are whole economies built on the trade of refined sugar. Trillions of dollars may be made and lost in the international trade in this market of addictive additives. See, 'additive' is just one letter short of being the word, 'addictive'.

Perhaps paranoia is a side-effect as I am starting to suspect that Freud took over from Shakespeare in shaping modern day English.

After an injection of heroin cocaine opium refined sugar, the user reports feeling a surge of euphoria ("rush") accompanied by a warm flushing of the skin, a dry mouth, and heavy extremities. Following this initial euphoria, the user goes "on the nod," an alternately wakeful and drowsy state. Mental functioning becomes clouded due to the depression of the central nervous system.

The Sugar Wars

I once crossed paths with a book written years ago titled The Sugar Wars*. The sugar trade and its history, according to this author, is very similar to the cocaine, heroin and opium trades, during their respective eras. Only it was legal and whats more you were considered simply fabulous if you owned a shipping route and a big-ass navy fleet to protect it. Greenpeace? The protesters would be musket-whipped and keel-hauled. Not to mention possibly, romanced, against their will.

For the full story, buy the book, I don't have the patience I'm on Coke as it were. Speaking of Coke, Coca-Cola’s senior vice president for public affairs and its chief lobbyist, John Downs Jr. now has a seat on the National Parents and Teachers Association (PTA in America) as a board member. And I thought I was lost!

Forget the fox, here there are wolves guarding the proverbial hen house.

One can of coke contains nearly 10 teaspoons of refined sugar. This is one of the main reasons why little Johnny looks you in the eye with a dull glare as he crushes your brand new scale and simultaneously nails every Guitar Hero note during Iron Maiden's, Run to the Hills.

"Run to the Hilllllllls
run for your liiiiife."

Sounds like a good idea to me.

When refined carbohydrates enter the blood stream, a sugar spike happens, followed by an insulin reaction to counter the sugar-rush effect. Then BOOM, you crash, experience a headache become irritable and get, just plain down - them down home blues - Louisiana style; 12 bar blues and I ain't talking scat about guitars, I am talking candy bar blues.

Pirate to sloped-head, first mate: "Avast! Fetch me, me booty of thar fine white powder or ye face Davie Jones' locker, I need a fix."

I hope I don't run out of my potato chips made free of hydrogenated oil anytime soon. Those Oreos are calling my name and each of those tasty cookies are worth 1 second onto my 10k time.

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*After a cursorary Google search, the author came to the conclusion that the book, The Sugar Wars has been destroyed by pirates and is no longer available, therefore the author of the Sugar Wars is currently unknown.

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Chris is a member of the Lydiard Foundation

Contact: chriskelsall@flocasts.org

Post a Comment

#20	Great Article November 7, 2008 at 10:46am If 5'7 and 115-125 is the ideal distance runner, than why am I not an elite runner when I'm right around that build (I'm about 5'7 and 110)? reply
#19	Matthew Schneider October 8, 2008 at 5:26pm the perfect distance runner build seems to be much over played. . .is distance running not majority a mind over matter battle? can you not name an elite runner of almost every height and weight and color? to me the build means very little and the mind means everything. so put mind over matter and I feel you are good to go. reply
#18	Yahi September 19, 2008 at 4:35pm I love this funny articol. Much funny. reply
#17	G.W September 19, 2008 at 4:22pm Something was amiss about Mottrams run...but he is one of those exceptions to the rules. reply
#16	Unless... September 18, 2008 at 4:15pm Your name is Craig Mottram, yes he botched the Olympics and Osaka last year, but the man has run 12:55, and come up huge in lots of races. height - 6'3, weight 155. reply
#15	BillT September 18, 2008 at 3:57pm For every standard of what is considered 'best' there are exceptions. But saying so, the best runners at the world class level have been shorter and lighter. Good writing BillT reply
#14	George W. Wilkinson September 18, 2008 at 2:23pm One of the best articles I have ever read on this site, if not the best. Highly entertaining. Certainly some thoughtful prose to consider here. Way to go Kelsall! reply
#13	Cool Article September 17, 2008 at 7:29pm i heard 5'7" or so height wise and like 115-125 is the ideal distance runner's body. might not be right but thats what i've heard. reply
#12	Doug Brusich September 16, 2008 at 11:32pm My question is how does one figure an optimal weight? What has to happen before realizing a lower weight is unhealthy and a hindrance to performance? reply
#11	Alex Previs September 16, 2008 at 11:30pm fantastic article. youre writing is humorous and inspiring reply
#10	Hillerie Denning September 16, 2008 at 11:16pm Wow Chris - Your writing get's better all the time and your content more interesting and provocative. reply
#9	Christine September 16, 2008 at 9:38pm Tee Hee -- I don't like oreos, or coke...... Actually chips and cheesies do please..... reply
#8	Christopher Kelsall September 16, 2008 at 9:15pm Thanks for the concern, but it's really irreverant and only about 2% autobiographical. reply
#7	Andy September 16, 2008 at 8:34pm I agree with Scott. By the way Scott when is your first meet.? reply
#6	Chris September 16, 2008 at 4:33pm Great article! reply
#5	Rupp September 16, 2008 at 4:22pm Look how much Sugar the Kenyans drink in their tea......its like 5 lbs per cup reply
#4	Substance? September 16, 2008 at 4:21pm let's try for some next time. thanks. reply
#3	I Love Scotty And Oreos September 16, 2008 at 3:16pm Hey Scotty.. you get -10 seconds per mile on your 5k just for being such a cool guy.... congrats reply
#2	The Dark Horse September 16, 2008 at 2:52pm seems like the dudes focusing on everything but what really matters, running seriously listen to the bauhs man; time accrued running at moderate to higher intensities takes care of any and all of "the extra weight" reply
#1	Scott Bauhs September 16, 2008 at 2:24pm chill out and eat reply