Well here I am and it's almost July. My Triathlon team did really well on Sunday morning! Yay for TriAdventure! I started us off in a good position swimming and I had a lot of fun. I will definately do my own next year. Running yesterday was terrible. I'm really slow and I feel awful and sometimes I just want to throw something and scream at myself. I don't have people to run with, I can't race, I don't really understand this sport yet, everything is new, and my one rock that kept me sane isn't here anymore. I haven't quite found where I'm supposed to be with this Cross Country thing and it's getting really irritating. No, this is not a white flag of my surrender, I just feel lost in the middle of the world without a map or compass. Can't a huge sign be shown to me? Something, ANYTHING to tell me what to do with my life or where to go or how to do this. All. By. Myself. 
No, I am not the first person in this world to be going through some kind of crazy, inane crisis where I run around aimlessly trying to find meaning in my life...but God it sure feels like it. Even if the sign was a stupid tree falling in front of me! At least I'd know that I'm not meant to go that way! Erg, anyway my this cross training is helping me and I can already see results, I'm just worried that nobody will pick me up or scout me out or find me. There are all these athletes around me that get letter after letter after letter after freaking letter! ....And then there's me. I work my butt off, I get injured, I try again being more careful, I injure my OTHER shoulder, I'm trying and trying and trying and working and pushing and giving but there's no taking coming my way. It really honestly sucks. I lay in bed some nights wondering why it feels like it's always me. Why, out of all the other swimmers on my team am I one of the TWO to get injured? Why, out of everyone on my huge swim team am i the ONLY one to be injured TWICE? Why do I keep having these setbacks? Haven't I gone through enough? Don't I understand the consequences of pushing myself too hard now? Don't you think I get it now?! And then I pause and lay there in silence and think, "If I hadn't been injured the 2nd time, I never would have met my team of life-changing Physical Therapists, I never would have met Ron and Brian and Justin and I never would have realized that was what I needed to do in life was to help other athletes. I never would have had the chance or time to do my Triathlon. I never would have started cross-training and cross country. I wouldn't be the strong, determined fighter that I am today."  And it all seems fair for about five minutes. It's hard to sit there at night and every single day when you wake up thinking about why it's you and having to give yourself a pep-talk and motivational speech. After a while they all start sounding the same and it becomes as useless as listening to the crickets chirp outside. You try to ignore it, the negative thoughts whirling through your head, but like the crickets, they're so loud it's almost impossible not to hear them so you let them sink into your brain and lull you to sleep. It's not until you let yourself sink into so many things and become this crazy busybody, constantly-doing-something-to-create-something-to-do person with a booked schedule...that you realize you're not thinking about those negative thoughts. And maybe that's what I'm supposed to do? Maybe it's not. But it works for the most part now until I forget to remember to breathe and we're back at square one.
It's been said that everything happens for a reason and everything that's supposed to work will work itself out in the end. I do believe that, but how do I get there? How will I know? When will I stop questioning myself? Who knows. Maybe that's all part of a big notorious joke that I'll understand "when I'm older" as our parents always say. This has been one difficult obstacle course to get through, but with patience there's a Starbucks coffee waiting for me at the end.

"The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake, you dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake. Just look at the world around you, right here on the ocean floor! Such wonderful things surround you, what more is you lookin' for? Under the Sea!"- The Little Mermaid (sometimes those movies you watched five times a day when you were a little one had a point)